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Douchebag Be Thy Name
By Jay Busbee | November 26, 2006
So we’re hanging in the sports bar this afternoon, thinking of blog and article topics, when we see Patriots kicker Stephen Gostkowski lay leather to leather and boot a 52-yard field goal. It’s up, up, and good — wait! Wait! The ref is signaling no kick! Bears coach Lovie Smith called a timeout the millisecond before the ball was snapped! Re-kick!
And presto, instant topic: The Douchebag Move.
Like good porn, douchebaggery is tough to define, but you know it when you see it. The Douchebag Move is more sophisticated than an Idiot Move (say, jumping offsides on a critical third-and-short), less malicious than a Jackass Move (diving at somebody’s knees on a block). Generally, it’s a legal play or philosophy, but one which only those who directly benefit will approve of, and even then a bit queasily. Here’s a sample scenario: A fan hurling insults at a relief pitcher is making an Idiot Move. If the player climbs into the stands to slap the fan around, that’s a Jackass Move. If the fan then sues the player for mental distress, that there is a classic Douchebag Move.
Anybody who’s been remotely conscious in the last quarter-century can come up with plenty of sports D-Moves without even breaking a sweat. Alex Rodriguez’s sissy-boy slap at Bronson Arroyo’s glove in the 2004 ALCS? Instant Douchebag Move Hall of Fame. Terrell Owens’ driveway workout? A low-rent Douchebag Move; we expected better from you, T.O. O.J. Simpson writing a book about how he “would” have killed Ron and Nicole ”if” he’d done it? To mangle Bobby Jones, he pulls off a Douchebag Move at a level of which the rest of the world cannot conceive.
-Legends Division: The Four-Corners Offense. Epitomized in the 1982 ACC Championship game in which UNC (with Michael Jordan!) played keep-away for the final twelve minutes of the game and beat UVa 47-45, the Four Corners is the ultimate on-court expression of sports douchebaggery — damn the fans, damn the competitive ideal, just pass the ball around and go home.
-When Beef Trumps Skill. Best exemplified by the Hack-a-Shaq offense — when you haven’t got the game to outplay a superior opponent, just throw cannon fodder at him. Also includes the ever-classy hockey move where a defenseman beaten on the breakaway will try to slow his opponent with the ol’ vaudeville hook.
-The ‘72 Miami Douchefins. Yeah, yeah, undefeated season, no team has ever matched them, blah blah blah. Face facts–they weren’t the best team in NFL history, no matter what they’d have you believe. Pop that next champagne cork into your colons, you arrogant codgers.
-Anything Owners Do Other Than Sign The Freakin’ Checks. Hold cities hostage to leverage new stadiums, then demand those stadiums be built with public funds, then absurdly overcharge for watery beers, then overpay for free agents (or the rights to talk to same), then claim poverty and lock out players? Good God, how strong must the skyboxes be to support the brass balls these douchebags tote around?
-The Absolute-Last-Instant Timeout. There’s nothing wrong with a little psychological warfare at critical moments in a game — Scottie Pippen’s “The Mailman don’t deliver on Sunday” line to Karl Malone at the foul line during the 1997 NBA Finals playoffs has to rank as the best sports mindfuck ever. But the whole summon-the-ref-over-and-call-time-out-as-the-center-begins-twitching routine? Our fathers would call it poor sportsmanship; we name thee Douchebag.
-Absolute Quiet While His Majesty Putts. Sure, golf demands skill, precision, and nerves beyond what most of us could possibly conceive. But what’s tougher — hitting a ball that’s coming at you at 100 mph, or hitting one sitting there propped up all nice and neat on manicured turf? Here’s hoping Tiger Woods hears cell phones chirping “My Humps” in his nightmares.
And finally, the Douchebag Move Par Excellence, the one against which all other D-Moves from hereafter will be compared:
-Insisting, in the face of all fiscal evidence, fan opinion, comparable athletic competition, and moral certitude to the contrary, that there is no need for a college football playoff. May every university president who opposes a playoff system one day preside over an undefeated university that gets shut out of the championship game…and then spend a week in a room wallpapered with photographs of a naked Brent Musberger.
So that’s what we came up with while waiting for another round of cheese sticks and beer. You?
Topics: The D-Move, Best of SGS |
November 27th, 2006 at 2:54 pm
I am of the opinion that upgrading a non-D1 win in order to become bowl-eligible is a Douchebag Move.
November 27th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Gostkowski actually missed the first kick. It was only after Lovie Smith pulled his douchebag move that Gostkowski was able to get the ball between the uprights. So essentially, Lovie gave Gostkowski a free practice kick and handed the Pats three points. What a douchebag.
November 27th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Athletes holding out for a few more million because they have to feed their family.
60 mill over 5 years isn’t enough to play a little baseball and put food on the table? Try working 70 hours a week and needing food stamps, you prick.
November 27th, 2006 at 3:23 pm
Amen on the Tiger Woods thing. That is one douchebag move that you can count on happening every time. Last time I checked the wind blowing and people breathing didn’t stop anyone else from hitting a golf ball.
November 27th, 2006 at 3:55 pm
Anytime A-Rod calls a timeout at the plate is a Douchebag move for me.
November 27th, 2006 at 4:14 pm
I love the “athletes are greedy” syndicate. guess what Birdman, you are the F***ing douchebag. Owners make millions more and and screw over many more people. This is america D-Bag and it is your right to negotiate the most favorable terms for your employment. Just because for you that includes demanding an extra mcrib on your lunch break and for a start athlete it means getting 10 more mil, it doesnt mean hes a douche bag. It means hes trying to get what he can get while the gettin’s good. Flip my burger and shut the F*** up biotch
November 27th, 2006 at 5:43 pm
Let’s not forget that old standby of calling timeout while falling out of bounds at your own end, 94-feet away from the frickin’ basket, with 1.2 seconds left in the first-quarter … And then the added bonus of everyone on the bench applauding your “hustle” and “quick-thinking”.
November 27th, 2006 at 5:57 pm
Ah yes, the good ol’ Rodman Special. That guy was the Lennon/McCartney of modern sports douchebaggery. I bet he pulled the same move when he dove at Carmen Electra’s breasts.
November 27th, 2006 at 6:17 pm
Off- court Douchebag Move: Naming your kid after the stadium of your team’s rival because you’ve had so much success there. Yeah, Larry, I’m talking to you.
November 30th, 2006 at 12:06 pm
[…] • The Bears might have themselves a big QB problem on their hands. [Yellow Chair Sports] • Here’s what Rasheed likes. [Need4Sheed] • A big day for the thief of gay sheep. [The Fanhouse] • Goodbye, Mike Shula. [From The Bleachers] • In defense of Michael Irvin? [Leave The Man Alone] • Not a good weekend if you’re an Irish and Giants fan. [The Assimilated Negro] • It’s rapping Redskins fans! [The Fanhouse] • “The buffet line is for closers!” [extrapolater] • Summing up sports’ “Douchebag Moves.” [Sports Gone South] • Ben Wallace is rather protective of his headband. [Detroit Bad Boys] • Tim McCarver loves “Welcome Back, Kotter.” [The 700 Level] […]
December 1st, 2006 at 12:35 pm
[…] • The Bears might have themselves a big QB problem on their hands. [Yellow Chair Sports] • Here’s what Rasheed likes. [Need4Sheed] • A big day for the thief of gay sheep. [The Fanhouse] • Goodbye, Mike Shula. [From The Bleachers] • In defense of Michael Irvin? [Leave The Man Alone] • Not a good weekend if you’re an Irish and Giants fan. [The Assimilated Negro] • It’s rapping Redskins fans! [The Fanhouse] • “The buffet line is for closers!” [extrapolater] • Summing up sports’ “Douchebag Moves.” [Sports Gone South] • Ben Wallace is rather protective of his headband. [Detroit Bad Boys] • Tim McCarver loves “Welcome Back, Kotter.” [The 700 Level] […]
December 5th, 2006 at 4:21 pm
[…] • The Bears might have themselves a big QB problem on their hands. [Yellow Chair Sports] • Here’s what Rasheed likes. [Need4Sheed] • A big day for the thief of gay sheep. [The Fanhouse] • Goodbye, Mike Shula. [From The Bleachers] • In defense of Michael Irvin? [Leave The Man Alone] • Not a good weekend if you’re an Irish and Giants fan. [The Assimilated Negro] • It’s rapping Redskins fans! [The Fanhouse] • “The buffet line is for closers!” [extrapolater] • Summing up sports’ “Douchebag Moves.” [Sports Gone South] • Ben Wallace is rather protective of his headband. [Detroit Bad Boys] • Tim McCarver loves “Welcome Back, Kotter.” [The 700 Level] […]
December 6th, 2006 at 11:51 am
[…] The Douchebag Move. AKA The Dick Move, hated by sports fans of all shapes and sizes, when someone is just being a jackass. […]
December 18th, 2006 at 1:09 am
[…] Unnamed Douchebag Little League Yankees Coaches, Bountiful, Utah — The clear front-runners in this year’s event. With a one-run lead and a little league championship on the line, the coaches of the Yankees baseball team pulled the ultimate Douchebag Move, deciding to walk the opposing team’s best hitter to face a sickly little cancer survivor, who promptly struck out to give the Yankees the championship. Hey, Hell’s little league team just got its own Buttermaker! […]
January 6th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
[…] • The Bears might have themselves a big QB problem on their hands. [Yellow Chair Sports] • Here’s what Rasheed likes. [Need4Sheed] • A big day for the thief of gay sheep. [The Fanhouse] • Goodbye, Mike Shula. [From The Bleachers] • In defense of Michael Irvin? [Leave The Man Alone] • Not a good weekend if you’re an Irish and Giants fan. [The Assimilated Negro] • It’s rapping Redskins fans! [The Fanhouse] • “The buffet line is for closers!” [extrapolater] • Summing up sports’ “Douchebag Moves.” [Sports Gone South] • Ben Wallace is rather protective of his headband. [Detroit Bad Boys] • Tim McCarver loves “Welcome Back, Kotter.” [The 700 Level] […]