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Best Of SGS: And When The Prince Fitted The Black #3 Goodwrench Glass Slipper On Her Foot, It Was A Perfect Match!
By Jay Busbee | June 21, 2007
From January, our little take on how the Dale/DEI feud should have ended out…we think everybody outside of Hendrick would’ve preferred these outcomes. And “A Very Brady Crime Against Nature” remains one of our favorite jokes on the site.
So you’ve probably heard there’s quite the tiff going on over in NASCAR territory between Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Teresa Earnhardt, his stepmother and the owner of Dale Earnhardt Inc. Junior wants his fair share of the company that his daddy built; Teresa wants Dale to hush up and kiss her ring. Public opinion’s divided pretty much right down the middle on the issue, with half of NASCAR nation thinking Teresa’s evil, and the other half thinking she’s just a bitch.
How’s all this going to play out? We figure it’ll all get resolved soon enough; if Dale Jr. — man, that picture there rules — et al can master the art of turning left 900 times in a row, they can figure out how to divide up the metric shitload of money that DEI will rake in over the next few decades.
Of course, how it’ll get resolved is the question. After boning up on our wicked stepmother lore, we figure it’ll shake out one of several ways:
–Dale gets cast out into the forests of North Carolina, where a kindly crew of dwarves named Biffle, Busch, Hamlin, Harvick, Kasey, Kenseth, and Tony take him in, show him their ways…then watch in dismay as he dusts them all in his triumphant return to the track.
–Dale remains with DEI, but must race in a Gremlin whose only sponsor — Boudreaux’s Butt Paste* — has its logo held on with masking tape. But a fairy godmother — Benny Parsons, let’s say — transforms that Gremlin into a lean, mean racing machine, and a handsome prince — the Rainbow Warrior — custom-fits the ride a with some smokin’ new Pirellis. Dalerella goes on to win the Daytona 500…but has to stop partying before midnight.
–Dale Jr. resurrects his father and together, the two Dales unite the fractured DEI. The zombified Dale Sr. then finishes second in the Nextel Cup standings but feasts on the brain of winner Jimmie Johnson before a horrified national television audience. Our personal favorite; this is what happened in the old Norse myth Svipdagsmál, only without the zombie part. (Jimmie Johnson, strangely enough, is indeed present in Svipdagsmál.)
Then again, there’s one other tale of a stepmother and stepson that could have some relevance here…
Yep, that’s Greg Brady and his stepmother Carol, who — if you believe the rumors — had something of a fling a few years back. (Well, Barry Williams and Florence Henderson did — but that doesn’t make it any less skeevy.) Maybe it was just coffee…and maybe it was a Very Brady Crime Against Nature.
So perhaps that’s what’s going on here — a little Southern-fried Oedipal drama. And they said NASCAR was lowbrow — this is some serious Greek tragedy shit, folks!
*–By the way, we just found out that Boudreaux’s Butt Paste is actually a real NASCAR sponsor. Damn your whoring ways, NASCAR! You cut the legs off a good joke!
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