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Elijah Dukes. Mrs. John Daly. Can You Feel The Love Tonight, Dawg?
By Jay Busbee | June 9, 2007
The news keeps getting better for America’s baseball’s Tampa Bay’s Elijah Dukes’ favorite classroom-invadin’, gun-picture-emailin’, wife-threatenin’ thug, Mr. Elijah Dukes. The Devil Rays’ Dukes is in the midst of an 0-for-23 skid that makes even the freefalling Andruw Jones say, “Damn, that kid couldn’t hit a beach ball with a barn door.” To put it in Elijah-esque terms — you know that scene in Pulp Fiction where the kid busts out of the bathroom and shoots at Jules and Vincent and misses every time? You’d have to rerun that scene five times before you matched Dukes’ current skid.
Between that and his, er, unconventional romantic tactics, Dukes is about as popular these days as a “Free Paris” t-shirt. And it’s not like the Dre’s have anywhere to pawn Dukes off to. Triple-A Durham has said
hell to the no to a Dukes demotion. Seems not even Annie Savoy could tame Elijah while he was down there; the guy’s not much of a Wordsworth fan. And trading him to another team would probably constitute a violation of the Patriot Act.
There is hope on the horizon, though. A certain young lady in Memphis just came on the market, and word is, she likes to play rough. Check out John Daly’s scars — if they are indeed scars; we’re not yet certain that’s not just last night’s unwiped marinara sauce. Any lady that can do that with a friggin’ Ginsu is a ninja swordswoman, and deserves an equally unhinged enthusiastic mate.
Can’t we get these two crazy kids together, please? And film it?
Topics: Golf, Devil Rays |
June 11th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
[…] Posted by Signal to Noise on June 11th, 2007 1) Agent Zero’s going to opt out after next season. Come to the Clippers, Gil! [Larry Brown Sports] 2) Another NFL player getting in trouble at a strip club, possibly. [AOL Fanhouse] 3) Rupert hits the Belmont stakes. [Ghosts of Wayne Fontes] 4) Elijah Dukes and John Daly’s soon to be ex-wife are a match made in purgatory. [Sports Gone South] 5) It’s all about the minor league system when it comes to the Cubs sucking. [Doberman on the Diamond] 6) Comparing the BALCO raid to the raid on the Virginia home that Michael Vick owned. [The Starting Five] 7) How are the big MLB signings panning out for their clubs? [Winning the Turnover Battle]
Interviewing Garth from Soccernista. [Pyle of List] 9) Leave soccer announcing in the hands of the pros — those outside the U.S. [Stupid Sideline Reporters] 10) The triumph of the geek, in Seattle’s new GM. [Seal Clubbers] […]