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Pop-Culture Playoffs, Round 1: The NBA In Song
By Jay Busbee | April 22, 2007
Rumor on the street is that there actually is a world out there beyond sports, one with wine, women, and songs that aren’t Gary Glitter or The Tomahawk Chop. So we figured we’d inaugurate a new feature here at SGS: The Pop Culture Playoffs. Very simple premise, along the lines of the goofball chick who does her pool picks by which team has the prettier uniform or which team’s mascot would win a fight. (See: Diane from Cheers, “A Bear would have no problem in a fight with a Dolphin.”)
This round, it’s songs and song lyrics. (All links take you to the iTunes store to hear snippets for yourself.) The city that gets the better shout-out in verse moves on:
EASTERN CONFERENCE:
DETROIT VS. ORLANDO: For being the alleged happiest place on earth, people don’t sing about Orlando a whole lot. Best we could find was “Orlando” by some group called Trans Am — it’s a rockin’ little hair band style tune that would’ve sounded perfect in 1987. Unfortunately, it was released in 1996. It’s also up against Kiss’s “Detroit Rock City,” which is like betting on the hot dog in a Kobayashi eating contest. DETROIT IN FOUR.
CHICAGO VS. MIAMI: We’ll pass over Sufjan Stevens’ tender/wimpy “Chicago” in favor of Frank Sinatra’s song of the same name. Likewise, we’ll dump Will Smith’s cheesy “Miami” and run out Jan Hammer’s classic “Miami Vice Theme.” It’s a hard-fought battle, but while Crockett and Tubbs defined cool for a decade, Sinatra did it for a century, and counting. CHICAGO IN SIX.
CLEVELAND VS. WASHINGTON. Ooof. The Drew Carey theme “Cleveland Rocks” vs. Steve Earle’s protest theme “Christmas in Washington.” We like Steve Earle, but much more when he’s kicking somebody’s teeth in than when he’s all soft and poignant and stuff. But we have to make a choice, so it’s CLEVELAND, RELUCTANTLY, IN FIFTEEN.
TORONTO VS. NEW JERSEY. Who’d'a thunk it…a pleasant, faceless city like Toronto has inspired almost no music. All we could find was “Toronto!” by what sounds like a folk-humor group, Bowser & Blue. We HATE folk humor. Plus, they’re up against Bruce Springsteen’s “Jersey Girl.” End of story. NEW JERSEY IN ONE.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
DALLAS VS. GOLDEN STATE: Dallas has inspired more songs than almost any city outside New York, L.A. and Memphis. (The Grizzlies would be serious competitors in this game.) Alan Jackson, Joe Ely, Johnny Winter, and even some band called the Silver Jews have done or covered songs called “Dallas.” but we’re going with Jimmy Buffett’s version, even though it was written before he discovered his Parrothead leanings. There actually are a bunch of songs called “Golden State,” including a crappy country tune, a crappy alterna-sensitive college rock tune, and a crappy rap tune. All are crappy. DALLAS IN FOUR.
SAN ANTONIO VS. DENVER. Lyle Lovett’s “San Antonio Girl” vs. Warren Zevon’s “Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead.” We love Lovett — he’s good back-deck-with-a-cigar music — but you just don’t mess with Zevon, even on one of his weaker songs (which, apparently, is not available on iTunes). DENVER IN SIX.
PHOENIX VS. LOS ANGELES. Every bit the mismatch that the real playoff series is…but in the other direction. The City of Angels has a billion songs written about it, headlined by the Doors’ “L.A. Woman.” Phoenix, on the other hand, has Glenn Campbell’s weepy ballad “By The Time I Get To Phoenix.” Lizard King in a walkover. LOS ANGELES IN FOUR.
HOUSTON VS. UTAH. Steve Earle’s the unofficial mascot of these playoffs, with three potential entries (he also did a version of “San Antonio Girl.”) Forced to choose between his “Home To Houston” and Whitney Houston for the right to represent Rocket City, we go with Earle. It’s up against “Utah Acid” by D.K. Kent, a trance-dance song that would be awesome if it didn’t sound exactly like every other trance-dance song we’ve ever heard in our entire lives. HOUSTON IN FIVE.
So there’s your first round. Next round: movies! Or maybe TV. We’ll know when we get there.
Topics: NBA, Pop-Culture Playoffs |
April 22nd, 2007 at 11:17 am
Is that Mariah with the mic?
Ahhh the thoughts in my mmind now~~~~~~
April 22nd, 2007 at 11:20 am
Be very, VERY careful with this.
I did the NCAA Tournament based soley on Mascots.
It turned into about a 30 hour project that had to be completed in 4 days.
Not good times.
http://ifyouwannacrownemthencrowntheirass.blogspot.com/2007_03_01_archive.html
Several thousand words.
April 22nd, 2007 at 6:18 pm
FN: That it is, my friend. Hoo. I still wake up in cold sweats thinking about that jersey.
Adam: Amen, brother. I didn’t even think about the NCAAs when I foolishly decided to make this a regular feature. Ah, well…foolish posts eventually fade away off the Internet, right?
April 22nd, 2007 at 11:05 pm
Thats why you don’t talk about the crazy stuff on the radio.
Then people are calling you wanting to know where it is.
I still don’t know how Illinois didn’t beat Virgina Tech in “fake Thanksgiving”
April 22nd, 2007 at 11:06 pm
The Mariah in a jersey dress has something running through my mind as well.
Like WTF … a jersey dress?
April 23rd, 2007 at 10:27 am
Instead of “By the Time I get to Phoenix”, try Public Enemy’s “By the Time I get to Arizona”. A song that made the state enact an MLK holiday. That and the little fact that the NFL would pull the Super Bowl out of the state if there was no holiday. But P.E. vs. The Doors? Wow.
And Cleveland has to get some help by the opening tune in Major League, Randy Newman’s Burn On. “Cleveland, city of lights, city of magic” … something like that.
April 23rd, 2007 at 11:59 am
That Mariah dress was from an NBA All-Star game a few years back. Man, she filled it out almost as good as Vin Baker.
Jordi–yeah, “Arizona” is a GREAT tune. I was just running iTunes searches on the city name. Chuck D stomps Jim Morrison. But you expand it to states, then you’ve got to bring in Dre’s “California Love”…and man, that there’s a fight.
Good callback on Randy Newman, too. I’ve always dug that dude, even when he’s scoring Pixar flicks.
April 23rd, 2007 at 11:25 pm
If it’s just lyrically -
“Texas, yeah Texas, and we had some fun.”
Houston, San Antone and Dallas would all advance easily.
Then Texas Chainsaw Massacre vs….. Texas Chainsaw Massacre? That wouldn’t work.
May 10th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
With the Warriors, you made the mistake of choosing a Golden State-themed song instead of an Oakland themed one. There would have been much better stuff available to you, and you may have been able to call the upset.