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18 On 24: Peyton Manning As Jack Bauer
By Jay Busbee | February 3, 2007
The following takes place between 10:35pm and 10:40pm on Sunday, February 4.
Interior of CTU. Every viewscreen in the compound is tuned to Super Bowl XLI. The Indianapolis Colts are down by four points with 24 seconds remaining. Peyton Manning is under center, with the Colts on their own 3.
THAT CHIN-BEARD DUDE WITH THE DREAMY CURLS WHO WAS IN SIX FEET UNDER AND SOME OTHER STUFF comes over to CHLOE O’BRIEN’s desk. CHLOE is staring at a scrolling list of phone numbers labeled “Men Who Inexplicably Do Not Run Screaming As Soon As I Open My Mouth.”
TCBDWTDCWWI6FUASOS: Hey, O’Brien. Not watching the game?
CHLOE: Shyeah. I’ve already seen it.
TCBDWTDCWWI6FUASOS: You’ve already…? Whatever. But you ought to watch this. Peyton’s got 24 seconds to score and get the monkeys off his back forever.
CHLOE: Jack Bauer could score five times in 24 seconds. Then he’d cook those monkeys. And they’d be delicious, too. Better than you could do.
TCBDWTDCWWI6FUASOS: Can’t argue with that…
Alarms go off all through the CTU building. BILL BUCHANAN, CTU Director, strides in and gets everyone’s attention.
BILL: Folks, we have a situation. There’s a live nuclear warhead at the Super Bowl…
TCBDWTDCWWI6FUASOS: …and his name is Rex Grossman.
BILL: I said “live,” not “spent.” Forensics experts packaged up what was left of Jessica Biel in the third quarter. No, we have learned that an unidentified terrorist has placed a nuclear bomb inside one of the Super Bowl’s footballs…and it’s set to detonate at any second.
NEW HOT CHICK WHO WON’T LAST OUT SEASON 6: Is there any way to disarm the bomb?
BILL: The only way to do it is to throw a sixty-yard complete pass. The momentum and altitude will disable the warhead, rendering it—
TCBDWTDCWWI6FUASOS: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.
BILL: Look, we’ve already had a nuclear bomb go off in Los Angeles with absolutely zero fallout. You think this is any more ridiculous?
CHLOE: We need to get Jack here!
BILL: Jack is in a fetal position somewhere contemplating the ethical and moral horror show his ends-serve-the-means life has become. Either that, or he’s on the john.
HOT CHICK: So who do we turn to?
Buchanan points at Peyton Manning.
BILL: Patch me through to him. (CHLOE CUTS IN ON PEYTON’S HEADSET FREQUENCY.) Peyton? Peyton, it’s Bill Buchanan from CTU.
PEYTON: AAAAHH! AAAHHH! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I KILLED YOU! GET OUT!!
CHLOE: He thinks you said “Bill Belichick.”
BILL: Peyton, listen to me. We have a very serious situation here. You need to throw every football in the stadium at least 60 yards. Can you do that?
PEYTON: Can this world-saving effort be brought to you by DirectTV? I’ve got an endorsement contract that takes my first-born if I don’t mention them every—
BILL: Sure, sure. Now get going!
CTU watches as Peyton begins signaling the line. And keeps signaling, flapping his arms like an oil-soaked seagull.
BILL: Peyton, we really don’t have time for this…
PEYTON: Prevent! That! Armageddon! Prevent! That! Armageddon!
After seventeen straight 60-yard passes—up the field, back down the field, up the field, back down the field—Peyton prepares for a final Hail Mary pass…
TCBDWTDCWWI6FUASOS: Mr. Buchanan! We’ve got a line on who did this! And he’s at the stadium!
BILL: Peyton? You hear that?
On the tv screen, Peyton has called a time out. He disappears under the stands. Cameras next locate him in the Manning private box, biting out the throat of his dad Archie.
BILL: Peyton! What are you doing? Your father isn’t the man behind all this!
PEYTON, wiping blood from his mouth: Sorry, what? Had a bit of business to take care of there.
BILL: Peyton, you need to find the man who’s holding us all hostage here…
PEYTON: You need me to moon somebody? ‘Cause I’m great at that… (Begins undoing his pants)
BILL: That won’t be necessary. Just get to this skybox…
Peyton circles through the stadium to find the right skybox. Its door is slightly ajar. He ducks inside. There’s a man sitting in the darkness, a man with a very familiar silhouette…
VOICE: Hello, Peyton. Been a long time.
It’s then that Peyton catches the glint of light off…a visor.
PEYTON: oh dear lord no…
STEVE SPURRIER: Always said you couldn’t win the big one, Peyton.
He holds up one last football, this one with FLORIDA 4, PEYTON ZIP written on it.
SPURRIER: And you won’t this time, either. Remember, you can’t spell NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST without UT…or COLTS.
Spurrier drops the ball.
The world goes white.
Topics: Football |
February 4th, 2007 at 6:20 am
[…] Over at our friends at www.sportsgonesouth.com, they have an interesting movie idea if the shows 24 and NFL Films ever merged into a venture together. With great on the fly script writing, check out how they think the Super Bowl might end if Peyton Manning has to play the part of Jack Bauer and an old familiar villain makes an appearance in Miami: http://sportsgonesouth.com/?p=191 […]
February 4th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
this nuculur blast brought to you by the good folks at tweeter, reminding you to cut that meat and buy directv!