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The Mornhinweggies: Recognizing The Finest In Coaching Dumbassery (UPDATED!)
By Jay Busbee | December 18, 2006
Thank you, Jim Mora. By jamming your foot in your mouth all the way up to the knee in a radio interview last Thursday, you helped round out the inaugural field of Sports Gone South’s Mornhinweggie Awards. Jim, you may not win this year, but campaigning for a college job when you’re in a playoff hunt shows you’ve got the game to make some noise in these awards for years to come.
So what is a Mornhinweggie, apart from the treatment that Sean Salisbury dishes out to John Clayton in the ESPN men’s room? Named in honor of Marty Mornhinweg, the former Detroit Lions coach who won an overtime coin flip and opted to kick, then watched his team lose without ever touching the ball, the Mornhinweggies celebrate all that is wrong in the modern coaching profession. It’s a fine tradition dating back three sentences.
Now, in terms of managerial absurdity, 2006 was no 2003, which was a true embarrassment of jackass-coach riches. Back then, you had everything from Baylor’s Dave Bliss smearing the name of his dead player to protect his own sorry ass, Rick Neuheisel betting six large on an NCAA tourney pool, Iowa State’s Larry Eustachy gettin’ stoopid freaky at a frat party at Missouri, Mike Price losing the Alabama coaching job in the nethers of a Pensacola stripper, and Jim Harrick overseeing the immortal “How many points is a three-point basket worth?” teaching scams at Georgia.
Still, we’ve got some goers in this crowd. Nudity, violence, meltdowns, straight pimpin’, and even an absolute violation of every moral code known to humankind. It’s all here, folks, and so without further ado, we present your ten 2006 Mornhinweggie Nominees:
Jim Mora Jr., Atlanta Falcons — Told a Washington State radio station that he’d absolutely love to coach at the 
University of Washington…this, while preparing for one of the most critical regular-season games of his career. Claimed he was joking, but sure didn’t sound like it. (Mora family bonus: Dad Jim Mora Sr., a sure nominee had these awards been around back in the early 2000s, called Mike Vick a “coach-killer” on another radio interview. Hey, Moras…how about steering clear of those broadcast waves for a bit?)
Joe Cullen, Detroit Lions — Drove up to a Wendy’s drive-thru naked as the day he was born, but with considerably more back hair. Claimed that the Frosty he was holding in his crotch caused shrinkage. Thankfully, no known YouTube video exists. (UPDATE: Cullen just got suspended from this weekend’s games for his nekkid joyride! Now THAT’s how to pump up your Mornhinweggie candidacy!)
Bob Knight, Texas Tech — Popped a kid in the chin for failing to listen closely enough. Spurred yet another debate on hard-nosed discipline versus namby-pamby thumbsucking esteem-building. All in all, just another year for the General.
JV Football Coach/Pimp, Bowie (Md.) High — Pimpin’ ain’t easy, and neither is making a bunch of fat XBox-lovin’ kids run two-a-days in August. So why not combine the two? That’s exactly what a coach at a Maryland high school did, running practice by day and ass by night…uh-ledge-ed-lee. (Thanks to The Mighty MJD for spotting this gem.)
John Gibbons, Toronto Blue Jays — Apparently seeking to transform the Toronto dugout into Oz — the prison, not the land of the Wizard. Threatened to fight Shea Hillenbrand, then actually did fight Ted Lilly. If Roy Halladay starts wearing a little stocking cap on the side of his skull, Adebisi-style, the Blue Jays will become our favorite team.
Clan Bowden, Florida State University — Bobby Bowden went nuts when FSU boosters finally scrounged up enough cash to hit the “Buy It Now!” button to end son Jeff’s calling-it-mediocre-would-be-kind career as the ‘Noles’ offensive coordinator. Damn that eBay.
Dennis Green, Arizona Cardinals — Unleashed the best meltdown of the 2006 season when his squad spit the bit against the Bears on Monday Night Football.
Brian Billick, Baltimore Ravens — Gleefully threw “old friend” Jim Fassel under the bus, wanting to take control of the playcalling himself. However, likely put himself out of the running for this award, since the Ravens have gone 7-1 since nailing up Fassel’s corpse inside an abandoned row house.
Isiah Thomas, New York Knicks — Might have ordered the hit on Carmelo Anthony that led to Saturday’s Retardin’ At The Garden. (Think that’ll catch on?) Would actually have a chance in this league if his godawful general manager hadn’t saddled him with so many crappy…oh, wait. Never mind.
Unnamed Douchebag Little League Yankees Coaches, Bountiful, Utah — The clear front-runners in this year’s event. With a one-run lead and a little league championship on the line, the coaches of the Yankees baseball team pulled the ultimate Douchebag Move, deciding to walk the opposing team’s best hitter to face a sickly little cancer survivor, who promptly struck out to give the Yankees the championship. Hey, Hell’s little league team just got its own Buttermaker!
So that’s our slate of nominees. Who wins? Who’d we forget? Fire away!
Topics: Coaches, The Mohrinweggies, Best of SGS |
December 18th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
Sheesh, I don’t think you spelled MORNINGWHEG right throughout the article. Not like I did either, but hey, I RULE.
December 18th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
How can you leave off the coach who paid a kid to bean the ‘tard?
December 18th, 2006 at 3:02 pm
Thanks, Agent. Corrected. I blame the public education system.
And the beaner-coach (wait, that didn’t come out right…) actually happened in 2005. Hell, we need to have a mini-Mornhinweg (got it!) for Little League coaches alone.
December 18th, 2006 at 3:11 pm
What, no Dan Henning? Or does just being a bad coach who makes terrible play calls every week not qualify someone for this award?
December 18th, 2006 at 3:37 pm
Nah, garden-variety suckitude doesn’t cut it here. You’ve got to go above and beyond.
But you’ve given me a good idea for another post, tho–former Falcons coaches who sucked in Atlanta but have gone on to…suck elsewhere.
Cool site you’ve got, by the way.
December 18th, 2006 at 9:45 pm
What…you forgot Herm Edwards? He’s been ruining the Chiefs all year. The guy should be a permanent nominee (at the very least) for this award.
December 19th, 2006 at 2:16 am
Right you are about 2003, but you left out the real reason it’s a year “that will live … in INFAMY” — Grady Little!
December 19th, 2006 at 2:21 am
My bad, I didn’t notice your sub-head before posting. OK, F me and all of us who care. But you have to agree that Grady is the only guy on this page who’ll be remembered in the 22nd century.
December 19th, 2006 at 10:55 am
I’m thinking next year, I’ll have to divide this into two categories–the Dave Bliss Division for off-field stupidity, and the Grady Little Division for insanity between the lines.
January 12th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
[…] In their infinite wisdom, the fine cats over at Blog of the Day have named Sports Gone South their Blog of the Day for January 12, 2007. And forevermore shall this day be known as such. A century hence, the world shall celebrate the 100th annual Mornhinweggie Awards; mothers will tell their kids to stop with the Douchebag Moves, and every cultural reference will consist of some combination of Atlanta Braves players, Guns n’ Roses song titles, and strip-club metaphors. Of course, we’ll all be under the dominion of Emperor Spurrier, but oh, what a time it’ll be! […]