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Your 2007 Hall Of Fame Candidates In Thirty Seconds Or Less
By Jay Busbee | November 28, 2006
The 2007 Baseball Hall of Fame ballot came out Monday, ushering in a wave – nay, a veritable tsunami – of steroid blathering (thanks to McGwire’s candidacy) and why-isn’t-Player-X-in-when-Player-Y-is wailing (though in the case of Steve Garvey vs. Gary Carter, Dave Parker vs. Tony Perez, and Bert Blyleven vs. a lot of guys, the wailers may have a point). We don’t much care to rehash old arguments; around here, we prefer to rehash old rumors, missteps and misplays.
Herewith, all you need to know about your 2007 Hall of Fame candidates:
Steve Garvey — Once had three women knocked up at the same time. That’s Hall of Fame-caliber play in our book.
Dave Concepcion — If Bud Selig really wants to piss off Pete Rose, he ought to let in Concepcion, plus Cesar Geronimo, Ken Griffey Sr., and Dan Driessen, then announce that the door’s closed to any more members of the Big Red Machine.
Tommy John — You think his parents knew about the surgery when they named him?
Jim Rice — Has more websites devoted to his candidacy than any non-HOF’er. Of course, if John Wayne Gacy had played for the Red Sox, Baaahston fans would ask HOF voters to overlook that whole clown period and vote him into Cooperstown.
Dave Parker — Once photographed in the dugout, in uniform, with bloodshot eyes and a cigarette dangling from his fingers. Therefore, beyond cool.
Bert Blyleven — Is the only Hall of Fame candidate whose name, when spoken, makes the exact sound of vomiting up three gallons of egg nog.
Dale Murphy — Originally signed as a catcher, but had the throwing yips so bad he couldn’t even get the ball back to the pitcher. But he’s a Brave, so all is forgiven.
Rich “Goose” Gossage — Made certain that the “Goose” in Top Gun died ugly.
Jack Morris — Pitched one of the finest games in World Series history, shutting out the Braves over ten innings in 1991’s Game 7. Therefore, we hate him.
Don Mattingly — If Reggie Jackson was the straw that stirred the Yankees’ drink, Mattingly was the sandwich served 
with that drink. A vanilla ice cream sandwich on white bread, but still.
Andre Dawson – Playing on the unforgiving turf of Olympic Stadium turned Dawson’s knees into a delicious mint jelly.
Alan Trammell — Played for the Tigers, and they sucked. Coached the Tigers, and they sucked. Left the Tigers, they went to the World Series. We report, you decide.
Lee Smith — When the bullpen phone rang for him, he’d eat three live goldfish for good luck.
Albert Belle — Once drilled a fan in the chest with a baseball when the guy invited Belle to a keg party. Also had a hard time figuring out whether his name was “Albert” or “Joey.”
Orel Hershiser — LA Times headline writers should receive commendations for avoiding a million “Orel” temptations: “Orel Pleasure As Dodgers Defeat Giants,” “Orel Six…And O Early In The Season,” and so on.
Harold Baines — In a move that would result in jail time today, former White Sox owner Bill Veeck stalked scouted Baines as a 12-year-old Little Leaguer.
Dante Bichette — Good slap hitter for the Rockies. Later cast the One True Ring into the fires of Mount Doom.
Bobby Bonilla — Played poker with Rickey Henderson in the Mets clubhouse while New York was losing to the Braves in the 1999 NLCS. Also, despite the fact that they’d been teammates barely a month, glommed onto Cal Ripken li
ke a tick to ensure maximum camera time as Ripken celebrated breaking Lou Gehrig’s consecutive games record.
Scott Brosius — True story: he and Byung-Hyun Kim moved in together shortly after the 2001 World Series. He’s a reliever who grooves the season’s most important pitches! He’s a slugger who hits those pitches halfway to Yonkers! Together, they’re laff-a-riffic!*
Jay Buhner — “What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for? He had 30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year! He’s got a rocket for an arm! You don’t know what the hell you’re doing!”
Ken Caminiti — He’s dead, which gives him a sympathy vote. However, he died in the Bronx ravaged by steroids and drugs, which kind of mitigates the goodwill.
Jose Canseco – Played on two world champions. Won an MVP and the AL Rookie of the Year. Hit nearly 500 homers. Most likely nailed Madonna. Boy, if you can overlook the fact that he tore the festering scab of steroids off baseball and completely torpedoed the game’s credibility, he’s a shoo-in.
Eric Davis — Kicked cancer’s ass. Also once loaned a bat to Fernando Tatis, who used it to hit two grand slams in one inning.
Tony Fernandez — While playing for the Indians, made the 10th-inning Game 7 error that gave Florida its first World Championship in 1997. Whoops.
Tony Gwynn — More hits than a website offering FREE PORN!!!!
Wally Joyner — “Wally World” was the dumbest sports nickname ever.
Mark McGwire — We’re not here to talk about the past. Wait a minute…we are. How come your old unis now look like bedsheets draped over coatracks, Mark?
Paul O’Neill — Made a running catch to kill the Braves’ last good chance to win a World Series in 1996. Bastard.
Cal Ripken — So he worked every day for six months a year. Big deal. Rest of the world generally puts in a full twelve, Cal.
Bret Saberhagen — A rumor persists that Saberhagen was MVP of the 1985 World Series. However, Saberhagen was playing for the Kansas City Royals at the time, so that rumor’s just plain silly.
Devon White — He also made an astonishing, highlight-film catch against the Braves in the 1992 World Series. Therefore, he too sucks.
Bobby Witt — We have no meaningful memories of, or commentary on, Bobby Witt.
*-Not a true story.
Feel free to add your own anecdotes below.
Topics: Baseball, Best of SGS |
November 28th, 2006 at 11:13 pm
Classic! Steve Garvey is the Father of Our Country after all. (Well, maybe along with Shawn Kemp.)
November 29th, 2006 at 12:15 am
I scoured The Google for one of those old “Steve Garvey is not my Padre” bumper stickers, but no luck. So I settled for that picture, which could probably impregnate any woman who stares at it for more than ten seconds.
November 29th, 2006 at 2:43 pm
I thought that was the guy from Quantum Leap, not Steve Garvey. Shows how much I know.
No Ron Cey porn?
November 29th, 2006 at 3:51 pm
The Penguin in a porno…there’s an image that’ll make you take a razor blade to your eyeballs.
November 29th, 2006 at 4:10 pm
Great review. I did something similar on my site www.theserioustip.blogspot.com . But due to space, I kept it to 12. 12 great, outstanding, highly qualified ballplayers. Thanks for the preview though, now when I vote its Devon White and Dave Conception all the way.
November 29th, 2006 at 4:38 pm
Sorry I spelt Concepcion with Steve Garvey in mind, hence the Dave Conception.
November 30th, 2006 at 2:16 pm
Cesar Cedeno was not a member of the Big Red Machine, I think you mean Cesar Geronimo. Geronimo is certainly a HOF-worthy name.
November 30th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
You’re right, sir, you’re right. Cedeno was later, in the early ’80s. Corrected–thanks!
December 1st, 2006 at 12:26 pm
[…] • Some NBA superstars’ baby pictures. Larry Bird really does look like a serial killer. [Sportable] • The French racist soccer fan thing finally blew up last week. [Soccernista] • Is Brady Quinn the most overrated player in college football history? [Rumors And Rants] • Where the heck did this Greivis guy for Maryland come from? [Mr. Irrelevant] • Hey, Michigan ain’t so bad, people. [Yellow Chair Sports] • One of them “Internet Reports” has Tom Glavine on his way back to Atlanta. [Metsblog] • Solving the L.T.-L.T. dilemma. [One More Dying Quail] • Breaking down ALL the Hall of Fame candidates. [Sports Gone South] • Seriously, what beats NBA League Pass? [SLAM Online] • A Giants fan puts himself through the Titans fourth quarter all over again. [NYGMen] […]
December 13th, 2006 at 7:31 pm
Cedeno or Geranimo…he doesn’t deserve to be in the HOF! Dave Concepcion is long overdue for the Hall.
December 7th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
You losers, do you have any idea who was the best certerfield in the game ever, with the best arm and trow in history of baseball? Ask your parents, ask your grandparets. The answer is only one: Cesar Geronimo !!! No player ever did to step for the next base when he Geronimo had the ball. The players were freezing in the base scared that they could have been trow out by Geronimo. So shut up and stop talking like girls.